Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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