i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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