so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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