you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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