He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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