I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
