You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
