I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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