What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
