2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
