well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
