My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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