I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
