We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
