kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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