Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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