Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
