Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
