I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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