We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
