I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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