Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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