Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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