I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
