Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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