oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
