Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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