The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She bit a glass in half.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize