Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
