I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
