I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
