My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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