my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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