im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just threw up on my dentist
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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