I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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