Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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