my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
