I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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