he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
