"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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