he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
