evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
