no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize