Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
