i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
