some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
