is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
