I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize