Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
