We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My ATM looks so different sober.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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