there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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