I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize