i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
