Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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