It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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