Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
